


Indian BBF

by FortLauderTales



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Friendship, Online Dating, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-15 18:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2239206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FortLauderTales/pseuds/FortLauderTales
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There is no question that she’s happy in her relationship with Danny, and despite their bickering, which is like 95% his fault anyway, she knows that what they have is solid and true. Still, eight months in, those early-relationship fireworks take a backseat to more pressing everyday matters as real life inevitably takes over again. No amount of amazing sex is going to get the dry cleaning picked up, as she learned the hard way." </p>
<p>Sometimes helping your friends find true love is less daunting that dealing with your own relationship stuff.<br/>(Ok, summaries are NOT my strong suit.)<br/>My first shot at a multichapter fic, set some time after Dandy goes "all in".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Are BBFs For?

“In my brief but rich and colorful experience as an adult I’ve had many relationships, with varying outcomes, and degrees of satisfaction. None can match my relationship with Danny in intensity, satisfaction (if you know what I mean. WIIIIINK), or…well…stability. You see, a relationship with a real adult is so different from frivolous, clichéd couplings. You don’t need constant romantic getaways, or songs written about you, or even what most would consider the completely normal use of air conditioning in the summer. Nope. What a real adult relationship has is stability, which I’ve always said was the hottest part. Take, for instance the---“

“Ok,” Peter interrupts like the jerk that he is. “For the last three stops you’ve been doing that weird, out-loud narration thing that you think is endearing but, really, makes people want to throw things at you.” He sighs wearily, sitting back against the barely comfortable subway seat, and giving Mindy what she now knows to be his Superiorly Brotastic Advice Is Coming face. “What you’re describing is a rut. A good, old fashioned, ‘It’s kinda late, but yeah, ok let’s pork, and speaking of pork I had that burrito a half hour ago so missionary only’ kind of rut. Probably the kind where the dude in question doesn’t even pretend to be embarrassed to get your tampons anymore, and that involves regular trips to farmer’s markets where you’re on a first name basis with some hippie named after a spice.”

“How dare you?!” Mindy scolds, leaning closer and gesticulating more broadly so that her stupid, STUPID, but accidentally insightful friend knows that she means business. “I don’t need your gross speculations about my sex life, and you don’t even know how instrumental Saffron’s advice about my fiber intake has been in getting me regular again—“

“Uuugh, how did we get onto your bowel issues again?”

“—and I certainly don’t need your opinion on my choice of late night snacks. Burritos are a well-documented source of--”

“Hey, don’t be mad at ME. I’m not the one boring the hell out of your spazztastic she-brain. Save that steam for Danny. I bet a good, old-fashioned D&M catfight will get him worked up enough to boink you out of this rut you’re trying to bore me with.”

“Peter, oh my God! Shut up shut up shut up!”

Mindy wonders, as she tries to slap the grin off Peter’s face, if this is what Danny feels like when she says things that he classifies as “personal, just you-me-and-the-sheets” a bit too loudly on their commutes. Except when she does it, it’s as a result of her unbridled passion for life, not because she’s purposely trying to embarrass him.

Peter finally lowers his voice a bit, laughing. Mindy sits back down, determined to act like the super hot, sophisticated, doctorial (that’s a word, right?) woman that she is. There is no question that she’s happy in her relationship with Danny, and despite their bickering, which is like 95% his fault anyway, she knows that what they have is solid and true. Still, eight months in, those early-relationship fireworks take a backseat to more pressing everyday matters as real life inevitably takes over again. No amount of amazing sex is going to get the dry cleaning picked up, as she learned the hard way. Between their office hours and exhaustion from nights spent at the hospital delivering what seems to be an endless stream of tiny miracles, Danny and Mindy haven’t been getting enough real, honest-to-goodness quality time together. And when they do have more than a couple of hours to themselves, they’re too tired to do much more than put on a movie and make bad decisions about food (okay, yes, this part is mostly her fault). They’re becoming like one of those boring old couples that she and Gwen used to make fun of in college. Ew. Worse! They’re becoming Gwen and Carl.

“Earth to Mindy!” Peter says about an inch from her face. “I bet you missed everything I said about how access to a ping pong paddle and my favorite cocktail, ‘The Screamer’, can help put the somethin’ back in your somethin’-somethin’ …” Peter sighs dramatically and his smile fades. “You know what? I don’t even care.” He says, “I have my own love life to attend to. Or I will, once I figure out what combination of selfies and carefully constructed lies will get me laid. I joined this dating website, ‘NewYorkEightNineTen.com”, and I have a feeling that Mrs. Dr. Me is on there.”

Mindy looks at him skeptically, but intrigued enough to want to know more. “What the hell kind of site is that?”, she asks, dreading the answer.

“Subscribers have to be local, and they can’t be uggos or fatties. Only people who get rated 8+ get to use it.” he answers as they reach their stop and prepare to exit.

“Mhhhmmm. Okay. But...then...how did YOU get on that site?”

Peter pretends to look offended but, fuck it, he hasn’t had enough caffeine for that kind of bullshitting yet. “My frat buddy Schlongmeister runs it. Since I’m poised to be seriously rolling in that va-jay-jay money, and that pretty much counts for at least two points on its own, he let me set up a profile. I’ve emailed, like, two dozen chicks so far, and nada. I even emailed the ones that I would have personally rated like a 6. Schlongmeister’s standards have hit the shitter since he and Tube Top Megan got married.”

“Okay...I have so many things I feel like I should be outraged about with that whole conversation that I don’t quite know where to start…”

Peter barely registers that she started talking, and continues, “I’m just ready to get me some. Or even some inside-the-shirt action. Or a makeout sesh, with tongue. Or even just a reply. Oh God, I’m so alone!”, he wails as they leave the station. He’s -- wait, is he seriously about to start blubbering?! Ugh, how dare he embarrass her in front of Enrique, the breakfast cart guy who never gives her grief for asking for double bacon and cheese on her bacon-egg-n-cheese roll.

“Peter, calm down, you’re making a scene,” she tries to soothe him with a firm pat on the back, “Alright, there, there.” He goes in for a hug before she can properly dodge him.

“Do you think maybe you’re the one in a rut?”, she asks him a bit more gently, disentangling herself from the awkward embrace and continuing down the sidewalk.

“Sheah, right! I’m just expanding my options here. Stop projecting your sucky problems from your sucky, boring, stable, long-term relationship on my awesome bachelor lifestyle!” Mindy gives him a pitying look, and Peter squints his eyes at her while he thinks.“Yeah,” he concedes, his shoulders drooping a bit. “I guess it’s possible. I just know I need to lay some pipe real soon or something’s gon’ ‘splode down there, nawmsayin?”

“Ew, Peter! Yes, I get it. You don’t need to be quite so…graphic in your descriptions. We went over that after the mistake that was the office Game Of Thrones Watch Party.”

“Hey!”, he says, stopping and turning so suddenly she almost crashes into him. “Since you’re my BBF—“

“Wait what’s a BBF? If that’s a Big Beautiful ANYTHING I can tell you right now that I’ll make it so that nothing will be ‘sploding down there for the rest of your life!”

“No, dumbass, it means Best Bro Forever.”

“Awww, Peter! I’m your Best Bro? That’s sweet. And very sad. But mostly sweet. No, no, mostly sad.”

“Anyway, I might as well take advantage of the fact that you’re a girl as well as a bro and ask you to check out my profile and maybe give me your impressions? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong on there.”

Mindy looks into Peter’s sweet, pathetic face and tries to find a nice way to say, “Hell no, psycho!”, but as she’s about to refuse him, the idea becomes more and more appealing. She walks ahead, into the office building, and pushes the elevator call button. In her best Generously Sympathetic Mindy voice she says, “You know what, bro, I WILL help you. Clearly, you are too much of a mess to tackle this on your own, and you did help me with my love life when I was down...it’s the least I could do.” She pats his shoulder as she steps into the elevator with Peter following behind.

As the doors begin to close, Peter’s face breaks into a grin, and he’s about to thank Mindy when he takes in her dreamy gaze and the beginnings of what he swears is a scheming smile. The regret he feels is immediate and deep.


	2. Best Bro Evah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mindy selflessly volunteers to fix Peter's online dating woes, and comes to an interesting revelation.  
> (Also, a gratuitous 30 Rock reference, for kicks)

Peter is momentarily rooted to the spot as Mindy walks out of the elevator. The doors begin to close and Peter manages to get the gears going again, jumping out and running after Mindy, who is already walking into the office. “Wait. Waiiiiiit. Wait, wait, wait--”

“Peter, WHAT?!”, Mindy interrupts, exasperated. She grabs her messages and a couple of files, looking past Peter to Danny’s office, which seems empty despite the light being on (much like Peter’s countenance, half the time).

“It’s just that easy?”, he asks, incredulous. And skeptical. And more than a little concerned. “I didn’t have to bribe you with food, or promise to stop letting Morgan and Tamra hook up in your office --”

“WHAT THE HE--”

“Don’t go off topic, that’s rude. Why are you so eager to help me?”

“Help you with what?” Danny asks as he slips up behind Mindy, giving her a quick kiss and a playful pinch just above her hip. She turns to Danny, smiling, Peter’s plight momentarily forgotten as she savors this quick moment before their day starts in earnest.

Peter pries them apart and Danny and Mindy yell in protest.

“Could you two NOT? God! Being around you guys is like watching the slowest, boringest porno. I don’t even get to see some nips to make up for my wasted time.” Before Danny has a chance to register the comment about Mindy’s rack, Peter turns to him and says, “Mindy’s gonna make sure my profile is tight so the honeys will be lining up for some Sweet Pete action on the double.”

Danny looks to Mindy with a blank expression, and shrugs almost imperceptibly, as if to ask “What the fuck did any of that mean?”. Mindy tries not to laugh out loud, so that Peter doesn’t have another fit, but the corners of her mouth turn up a bit and she focuses instead on Danny’s lips, which are no laughing matter.

“Peter is tired of being a loser at love, so in his weeping desperation he has begged me, his BBF--”

“HEY!”, Danny interrupts, finger flying to Peter’s face, his body suddenly in a defensive pose, “What did I tell you about calling Mindy a BB anything?!”

“Calm down, Lil’ Pacino! Mindy’s helping me with my online dating profile because she’s an awesome bro. I just don’t wanna end up a bitter, old, one-man-act in the sack like you would were destined to be if you two hadn’t hooked up.”

Mindy flinches in anticipation of Danny ditching his No Fisticuffs In The Office rule, which had caused her to call him an old man when he told her about it, but did not keep her from savagely dry-humping him in the hot pipe room because, shit, he’s HER adorable old man. But to her surprise, he just looks at Peter thoughtfully, then at Mindy. “Oh.” he says to Peter, “What did she make you promise in return?”

“Hey!” Mindy exclaims, slapping Danny on the arm. “Why is it so weird that I want to help my friend?", she asks, pointing to Peter. "I help people all the time! Just last week I ran into that group of sorority girls doing the ice bucket challenge at the park and very selflessly volunteered to join them!”

“You only offered because you thought they were having a wet T-shirt contest.”, Peter retorts, rolling his eyes.

“Why are you nitpicking my generous altruism? The whole thing is basically just a wet T-shirt contest where the soak-ees GIVE money. TO A CHARITY! And I gave them a LOT of money!”

“Yeah, because ‘a lot’ for a doctor is $20 bucks.”, Peter mutters under his breath

“And you took half of the money back to buy an I ‘heart’ New York T-shirt.”, Danny interjects.

“BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO DIE OF HYPOTHERMIA. THAT WATER WAS COLD! ”

“THE WATER IS SUPPOSED TO BE--” Danny takes a step back, along with a deep breath (he’s been practicing this so much lately), and tries to right the course of the conversation, “You know what? We have like 45 awake minutes together today. Could we not spend most of that time fighting?”

Mindy takes a deep breath of her own (because hey, she’s not going to be beat at the self-improvement game), and responds tensely, “Well, it would help if you didn’t have to be right about everything, but (another deep breath) you’re right. You’re right. Let’s enjoy our time together. We can have lunch--”

“We can’t have lunch. Jeremy and I have the New York Obstetrical Society luncheon, remember? We’ll grab a late dinner after you and Morgan are done manning the mobile clinic.”

“Uh, once we finish WOmanning the hell out of the mobile clinic, yes, let’s have dinner.”

Peter clears his throat, as they’ve clearly forgotten he’s standing there too. He then does it again, because they’re still not paying him enough attention, and because he gets a kick out of Mindy’s disgusted expression at the grating sound.

“Since you and Danny aren’t having lunch, do you think you could look at my profile then? There’s this really promising girl on there, an actual 9, that I want to contact before some dude who comes by his 8 rating without the help of a frat buddy with flexible standards contacts her first.”

“Yeah, ok. What kind of lunch are you bringing me?”

“Food! I KNEW it!” Peter and Danny exclaim in unison, and Peter moves to chest bump Danny, who says, “Nope!” as he steps aside, leaving Peter to knock into Beverly, who had been pretending not to eavesdrop.

“Doc, if you wanted to do something about our chemistry, you only hadta ask. Who knew this office would turn out to be hook-up central” she says, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively at Peter. He chuckles at Beverly’s joke, but as she continues eyeing him suggestively, he practically sprints towards his own office and shuts the door. Peter opens it just enough to stick his chin and mouth out and yell at Mindy, “Twelve sharp! There will be burritos!”

“Not burritos!”, she shouts back. “Last time I had burritos before manning the bus, none of the patients stayed on the bus long enough to do a complete screening.”, she explains to Danny. “Because of the farts.”, she helpfully continues.

Danny smiles in spite of himself. “How do you manage to make even farts cute?”

“Danny, you’re so romantic!”, she squeals at him, taking his face tenderly in her hands and giving him an office-appropriate kiss.

“And you’ve got some seriously low standards for what passes for romantic.”, he says, kissing her back just a little more deeply than is strictly appropriate, but not enough to make Jeremy run out throwing wavers at people. With a sigh and plans for dinner, they part ways and begin their day.

______

By the fifth time that Peter walks past Mindy’s office at 12:30, he’s given up the pretense of looking at the file in his hands, and openly stares at her as he passes by her door.

“Just get in here, you creeper”, she says pointedly.

Peter tries to act nonchalant, taking a seat in front of Mindy and putting his feet up on her desk. “What up, Brogirl?”, he asks.

“I don’t know how to tell you this nicely, so I’m not going to try. Peter, your profile sucks.”

Peter looks crestfallen, and he stands up, whining, “What do you mean it sucks? I worked so hard on it!” He runs to the other side of the desk and pushes Mindy out of the way. He stares at her laptop in disbelief, as if simply by staring at it hard enough he could figure out what she saw there that made her declare that his profile was anything other than a total pussy magnet.

“Hey! You could have killed me!” She declares loudly as she pushes her way back over to claim her rightful place in front of the screen.

“Sorry, you just seem more...sturdy than that.” Peter says, putting on his most contrite look.

“Whatever”, she says, rolling her eyes and gesturing for him to give her more room. “Where do I even begin? For starters, having the same username on a dating site as on a porn site is not a great idea--”

“How else are these chicks supposed to know that I’m both totally down and totally a lady-parts doctor?!”

“Explain your logic. I need to hear this. I don’t think I WANT to hear it, but tell me anyway.”

“Look, the name brOBGYN is PERFECT. It tells them everything they need to know about me without me saying a word.” He starts ticking off points on his fingers, “I’m a low-key bro, I’m gainfully employed, and I deliver babies, so I’m clearly sweet and sensitive.”

Mindy scrunches her nose and crinkles her brow, because that’s the only natural reaction when confronted with bullshit. “Yeah, but you’re not sweet and sensitive!”

“They don’t have to know that up front! That’s the kind of 411 you keep to yourself until you’ve locked it down. Sealed the deal. Turned the key in--”

“Please stop! I haven’t even gotten to why ‘I don’t care as long as breastfeeding didn’t leave that rack a-sagging’ is not an acceptable response to ‘Would you date someone with children?’ Peter,” she says, affecting a thoughtful, compassionate look as she gently puts her hand on his arm, “I think you need to just let me start from scratch. From a...chick who has been hit on by almost every type of loser ever spawned, to her BBF: Will you please just trust me? I’m literally a genius at finding ways to make questionable guys seem appealing. I did it every time I had to introduce a Melvin to my friends. Let me do this for you.”

Peter is skeptical, and a little insulted, but . . . hell, it’s not like he’s doing any better on his own. “Alright, I guess you can give it a shot.”

Mindy can barely keep the excitement out of her voice. “Great! You won’t regret it!”, she says brightly, reaching for a stack of post-its that are already suspiciously well-organized and full of her purple-penned scribble. Peter turns to leave. “Oh! And we’ll need new pictures.”

Peter whirls back around, puzzled. “What’s wrong with the ones I already have? Just use those.”

“We’re not using two pictures from when you were a semi-bangable undergrad and like a dozen blurry ones of you from the neck up!  And we’re absolutely not using the one that we took at Josh’s wedding.”

“Awww, sorry. Bad memories?”

“No, bad camera angle. For me. You actually look kinda hot.”

“Yeah, especially by comparison. That’s why I used it.”

“Ok, get the fuck out.”

“But--”

“Out!”

Peter stomps off to his office again to stew while Mindy gets to work on ~~her~~ Peter’s profile. She’s excited in a way that she can’t quite put her finger on. It’s like when she and the girls would get dressed up to go out dancing. That anticipation, wondering if they’d get hit on, what kind of drinks they could score, and whether the guy would spring for mozzarella sticks instead. It feels kind of weird, this pointless anticipation. She has a guy who already KNOWS to get her mozzarella sticks without asking.

“Oh my God!" she gasps, suddenly understanding her unease, "Am I dating through Peter?” she asks her reflection in the monitor.

“Kinda,” her reflection replies judgmentally.

"Whoa” --Mindy whispers, slamming her laptop shut-- “I knew I shouldn’t have let Peter get falafels from the trunk of Morgan’s friend’s car. Damn it!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Danny doesn't quite know what to do about Mindy's new hobby, and the outcome of Mindy's "assistance"!  
> Sorry, I'm a typing turtle, but I aim to wrap this up before the Season 3 premier festivities (me in my pajamas, squealing at my TV at 930p on Sept 16).


	3. BBFs and BFs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and binders and cupcakes. Oh my!

_Danny hears the tell-tale tapping coming closer. His heart starts to beat faster, and he turns his head slowly to look for a safe place to hide, but there is no cover to be found on the eerily deserted street. His heartbeat sounds like a machine gun in his ears. Can the killer hear it too? He puts his hand over his chest as if that could cover up the sound, as if that will keep the monster from spotting him, but he already knows it’s too late. He takes a deep breath, crosses himself, and breaks into a full-out sprint. If he can make it to the door fast enough, the tapping murderer won’t be able to catch him. He makes it across the empty street, and onto the sidewalk when he realizes that his legs feel like lead, and what he thought was a sprint is actually more of a trudge. He looks over his shoulder and sees a shadow. Danny’s breath is desperate, ragged, as he begs his legs to **move faster** but they won’t. Oh, but Danny is not going down without a fight. Nevermind the door. He’ll never make it, and it’s made of candy anyway. What good is that going to do him? He hears the tapping as if it were next to his ear. He can feel the killer’s warm breath on his neck. Danny screws up his courage and throws what he hopes is at least a manly-seeming punch…_

...right into Mindy’s boob.

“OWWWW!!! What the hell, Danny?!” Mindy responds with a punch of her own to Danny’s arm. Danny is not awake enough to fully understand why Mindy’s hitting him and then rubbing her breast, but hey, he’s not about to turn down what seems to be an invitation, no matter how violently it is issued. “Heyyyyy,” he croaks out with a sleepy smile and reaches over to grab at Mindy’s chest.

“Wait,” he sits up, eyes half closed and drowsily slurring his words, “Where’s the killer? And you gotta check out this door, Min. It’s made of that candy you like. Sour something? Sour sticks?”

“What are you talking about, Danny?” Mindy asks as she slaps at Danny’s still-outstretched hand. “You think you can just punch me one second and feel me up the next? That doesn’t work for me, no matter what my Sploderzz viewing history may indicate!”

Danny, closer to being fully awake now, takes in his scowling girlfriend and her laptop next to him blowing warm air onto his face. “Oh. Oooh. Sorry. Yeah, this makes more sense.” He lays back and squints at the time on the screen. Two AM? “Why are you still up?”

Mindy pushes her glasses further up the bridge of her nose, a gesture he finds so endearing he can hardly stand it sometimes. “I’m still working on Peter’s profile. That boy is a mess, but I think I’ve made some progress. Wanna see?”

“Min, if I’m gonna be up at 2 in the morning, I can think of ways I’d rather spend my time,” he says, his voice gravelly and his smile drowsy but effective at conveying his not-so-subtle meaning.

Mindy giggles and leans over to kiss Danny, keeping the laptop precariously balanced on her pillow while shoving the covers off the bed. Danny can see Peter’s face on the screen out of the corner of his eye, and can practically hear him say, “Awwww, yeah! Danny and Mindy sitting on the bed / He’s. About. To. Get. Some. Head!”

Danny abruptly stops kissing Mindy, who softly whines in protest, and he moves to close the laptop. “Babe! No! I haven’t hit ‘save’ yet!” She stops the lid from closing just in time, and looks for a place to set it down so that they can get back to the matters at hand (or that will be “at hand” when she strips him of his boxers). She sets the computer down gently on a part of the night stand that has the fewest discarded clothing items and turns back to Danny. “Where were we?” she purrs seductively as she pulls his face towards hers and kisses him again. Just as Danny’s hands start to make their way under her pajama top Mindy gasps in a way that definitely does not mean “Yeah baby, right there”. He stops, unsure whether he’s done something wrong or whether it’s the lingering after-effects of her car trunk falafel.

“You ok?”

Mindy purses her lips, her eyes huge with excitement...just not the excitement he was expecting.

"Min?” he asks, this time with a hint of impatience.

She looks from him to the laptop and back, her hands still on the sides of his face. She says apologetically, “It’s just, the best line came to me just now and-- you know what? It doesn’t matter. I’m sure I’ll still remember in five minutes.” She leans in again, but Danny stops her with his hands on her shoulders, a look on his face like the time she said that LeBron James was the best thing to ever happen to baseball.

“Five minutes?” Danny huffs, insulted. “Five minutes?!”

Mindy shrugs, an amused smile playing on her lips as she runs a hand through his hair. Danny takes Mindy’s other hand and kisses the back of it, turning it over to plant soft kisses on her palm. He looks up, into her eyes, brushes her lips with his, and says, “Type that thing you wanted, then prepare to have your world rocked for a solid 20 minutes. Thirty, even.”

Mindy suppresses a laugh and sits up, retrieving the laptop. An even better idea occurs to her, and she looks over to Danny, who has donned his glasses and grabbed one of her less objectionable magazines (only two mentions on the cover of how to make men do things!). She clears her throat and turns to him with her sweetest smile. He says, “No” before she even opens her mouth. She replies, stunned, “You don’t even know what I was going to say.” Danny shakes his head, pretending to be engrossed in some article about miraculous properties of pumpkin spice lattes that lead to mind-blowing orgasms. “I’m not helping you get Peter laid. I don’t even know what the two of you are thinking with this Internet dating thing. Why doesn’t he just meet women like a normal person: in line at the bank or buying stamps.”

“You’re describing two things that nobody under the age of 60 does anymore.” She stops herself before she says anything that could further undermine her plea. “Danny, please?” she continues sweetly. “You’re so much better than me at putting things into words. I’m just trying to not use the word ‘penis’ too many times. Pleeeeeease?”

“That’s not-- No! It has to come from the heart. I can’t just throw words together for the hell of it.”

Mindy sighs, as if defeated, and starts typing. A few minutes later she feels Danny’s eyes peering at the screen and practically feels the muscles in his brow contract when he issues an almost inaudible, “Hmmm”. She subtly nudges the laptop toward him not wanting to let on that she knows that he’s reading the profile.

By the third and most judgemental “Hmmm” she turns sharply toward Danny, lets out her best indignant sigh, and whips off her glasses. “What Danny? What? You’re either unimpressed, bored, or constipated. Which is it?”

Danny hesitates before venturing a comment. “Ok, it’s just-- this section is called ‘What Are You Looking For In A Partner’, not ‘Mindy’s Dissertation On What Stereotype Of A Skank Peter Would Probably Date.’ It’s like four pages long and mostly reads like a teenager’s burn book.”

“Burn book? How old are you? And what are you even tal--”

Danny moves closer, and reads a particularly offensive portion aloud “‘And although I think tattoos are sexy, I will NOT date a woman whose skin is exposed to more ink than sunlight. I mean, if I wanted to meet circus freaks, I probably have a friend named Spankaroni or something who could give me a hook up.’” Danny stops to address her briefly, “That’s probably true, but you’re trying to help the guy, not make him sound like even more of an idiot.” He goes on reading, “‘I like girls who look like Tara Reid, but American Pie Tara Reid, not Sharknado Tara Reid. Oh, and I’ve historically only dated skanky chicks with the intelligence of frying pans, but lately I’m all about the smarties, because I’m a hot(ish), smart doctor and my friends are also hot (no qualifier), smart doctors and I don’t want you boring them during their dinner parties, at which I will for sure not get wasted and will definitely not let you drink the good wine that people bring as hostess gifts, which everybody knows is ONLY for the hostess.’“

“What’s wrong with that?!” Mindy asks. ”HIS answer was ‘A booty for riding and a rack for motorboating. No vegans or Tina Fey fans.’”

“Ok, yeah. Yours is a little better. Still, he’s a shallow jerk, but he’s basically an okay guy. Just-- Can I help?” he asks already scooting closer, giving her back her glasses, and adjusting his own.

Mindy smiles at Danny softly. As far as couples hobbies go, most of her girlfriends would probably not have this in mind. Her girlfriends would probably prefer, say, book clubs or antiquing. _Ah, leave those vanilla bitches to their boring hobbies and their not-Dannys_ , she thinks as he begins, alternately dictating and kissing her shoulder. Ridiculous as it seems, this half-snuggling half-typing at two in the morning after a disrupted attempt at sex, this is the happiest she’s been in weeks. They keep at it until just after 3:30, when Danny is doing more yawning than dictating and Mindy can hardly see the screen through her sleepy blinking. They finally call it a night and fall asleep, spooning contentedly.

____

The next afternoon, at the first moment that she is able to she barges into Peter’s office, a serious look on her face and a trio of small binders her hands.

“What? I didn’t do it! It’s your fault! It’s Morgan’s fault! It wasn’t supposed to break! This is China’s fault, really.” Peter says breathlessly.

Mindy rolls her eyes, very focused on more important matters. “Calm down, nobody cares that you broke the coffee maker trying to make ramen because you couldn’t wait for the microwave like a normal person.” She places the stack of binders in front of him. “This is about NewYorkEightNineTen. I printed out these profiles for you, along with some notes. The binders are color coded by desirability. See? Green is for “Contact her now”, Yellow is for “Cornish handshakes only”, Mindy looks up at Peter, shrugs, and says, “Danny said you’d know what that was.” She looks back down and continues, “ Red is for “Potential murderous stalker, likely vicious.”

She sits down on one of the chairs in front of Peter’s desk, as he looks, bewildered, from the neatly organized pile in front of him to Mindy and back. “Wow! You’re amazing! When did you do this? Wait -- Danny’s helping? I guess he’s cooler than I thought. Or are you ‘giving him lunch’ later for helping?” he adds with a wink.

“Dude, gross, I don’t even know what that means, but I’m going to save us both time and be offended already so that we can move on.”

“Whatevs, let me see-- Hey! A lot of the chicks in the red one are the ones I had emailed...ALL of the chicks in the red one are the ones I had emailed. And so is that 9 I told you about yesterday! What gives?”

Mindy takes off her glasses and affects a look that she thinks exudes cool professionalism but actually comes off as condescending constipation. “Peter”, she sighs, “what’s the point of having your BBF and her BF help you if you’re just going to sabotage yourself by either going for the ones who are out of your league -- sorry, I’m just being honest,” she says as he scrunches his face and lets out a disbelieving “HEY”, “--or go for the ones who are probably super unstable former Hooters waitresses who probably got fired because they can’t count past two without a visual aid. You’re aiming too high or too low. Go through the gut!” she says, raising a fist in an empowering gesture.

“For the last time! It’s ‘UP THE GUT!’ If you’re going to keep getting football terms wrong, don’t even use them! Look,” Peter says, leaning forward as he rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands, “I asked you to take a look at my profile and give me some tips. That’s it. If I wanted this level of heavy-handed meddling I would have asked my mom. Or Morgan.” He gathers the pile and hands it back to Mindy over the desk. “Take your binders full of women and go away, Mitt.”

Mindy, realizing that her new hobby might be far more short-lived than she’d expected, stands and runs to the other side of the desk, shoving the binders back at Peter. “No! You don’t understand!  These aren’t just random profiles. These,” she pats the stack of binders, “are the girls who’ve already written back!”

Peter’s head snaps up, an incredulous look on his face. “Whaaaa?!” he shrieks, his misgivings suddenly forgotten. “All these weeks with no responses, and in less than 24 hours you get me a fat stack of hotties who are suddenly interested?”

Hearing the commotion, Danny pops his head into Peter’s office, a smug smile on his face. “I guess you gave him the good news.” He lets himself in and stops in front of the desk, hands on his hips, and a self-satisfied grin. Mindy joins him, sliding an arm around his waist.

“See?” She says, relieved that things seem to be back on track. “Aren’t you glad I made you give me your password and promise that you wouldn’t log on until I said it was ok?”

“You didn’t make me promise. You threatened to kill me. Slowly. Balls first. But yes, I am glad that I trusted you. What did you say to them that got them hooked so fast?”

“Ah, nothing major.” Danny replies, shrugging. “I sent the same message to all of them. ‘Hi, you seem like an interesting woman and I’d like to get to know you. It’s so great to come across a fellow fan of puppies and sunsets--’”

“--Like 95% of the women on this site mention or have pictures of puppies and sunsets. I don’t even--” Mindy interrupts.

Danny continues “‘--Can I take you out for coffee some time?’”

Peter pushes himself back from his desk, his hands in the air. “That’s it?! Those are the magic words to for a ticket to Taco Town? I took the time to write each and every one of those women something specific and special about what part of their body from their pictures most made me want to bone them.”

Danny looks at Mindy, whose is beaming with pride, and gives her a gentle and congratulatory hip bump. She looks at him, grinning widely, and turns back to Peter, saying “Well, we’ll leave you to enjoy the results of our work. Feel free to refer us to your other lonely, pathetic bros, and tell them that for a negligible sum we can make their romantic dreams come true. Danny, we need to get business cards. We’ll call ourselves, ‘The Love Doctors Who Are Actual Doctors.’ You know what? We can work on that later. Just--”

“Tell your friends nothing. Have a good time. We do NOT want details”, Danny interrupts. He pulls his reluctant girlfriend out of Peter’s office and leaves him to stare down at the binders in wonder.

_____

The next morning, Mindy and Danny enter her office and find Peter sitting at her desk, morosely picking at the icing on a cupcake from a box. On closer inspection Mindy sees that he has eaten the icing on all but three of 12 cupcakes.

“EW, Peter! What the hell!” she shouts, marching in and throwing her jacket and purse into a nearby chair.

“I’m sorry! I brought these to thank you for all your help. I ended up writing a couple of those girls back. I have a date tonight. Her name is Sandra.” He says as he gets up reluctantly, taking victim number 10 out of the box and walking to the other side of the desk with it. He sits on the edge and dejectedly picks on the icing on this one, too.

Danny looks him up and down and, confused at his demeanor, asks, “Wait, why do you look like they decided to stop selling beer on weekends? Shouldn’t you be off somewhere doing celebratory keg stands?”

Peter looks up, standing to chuck the defiled cupcake back in the box. Mindy snatches the two remaining cupcakes out before Peter can ruin them too.

“I can’t do this.” Peter says sadly, shaking his head. “These girls, they only wrote me back because you guys made me more appealing. I can’t measure up to that in real life. They’ll meet me for a drink, I’ll say something disgusting, they’ll throw their drink in my face and run away and they’ll tell all their hot friends about me and it will filter down to their less hot friends until every girl hears about it and they’ll laugh and I’ll never ever go on another date or meet anyone who’ll ever take me seriously and want to be with me for real.”

Peter stops for a breath and a stunned Mindy says softly, “Oh my God, you’re serious. You’re not just looking for a hookup, you want the real deal, don’t you?”

“Well...yeah! I kinda always wanted it but other things got in the way. I thought I had it with Becca, but when it didn’t work out I gave up on the idea. Then I met Lauren and I thought I really had a chance to settle down and be one of those guys with a chick he sees on the reg and doesn’t need to meet anyone else. You know, whipped, like you,” he says pointing to Danny. “But anyway, I don’t think that’s in the cards for me anymore, so thanks, but I’m just gonna quit while I’m ahead.” From underneath the cupcake box, he produces the now-dogeared binders and pats them one last time, then turns to leave.

Mindy watches her friend, kind of hoping he will leave before he remembers the other two cupcakes. She looks at Danny who just shrugs. Neither of them quite know what to say.

Peter’s eyes suddenly light up as he turns back to face Mindy, a manic grin slowly spreading over his face. “Wait. Waaaaai--”

“Goddamnit, just spit it out, Peter!” Mindy wails.

“Ok, just hear me out here. What if you help me DURING a date. Maybe come with me and tell me how you think I’m doing. If I’m totally fucking up, I know you’re the only bro I can trust to give it to me straight. What do you think?”

“I think suggesting a double date the first time you meet this girl is not going to fly.” she says, arms crossed over her chest.

“Duh! I’m not saying for you guys to come with us, but maybe you can sit nearby or something. If I start to do something horrible, just, I don’t know, give me a signal or something. Come be the Cyrano to my Christian?”

“I’m sorry,” a confused Mindy says, “the who to your what? Is this code for a four way? Because I already told you: Don’t ask me again until I’m in my sixties!”

“Seriously? Cyrano?” Danny says skeptically.

“Yeah, Captain Condescension. I took French lit, and it actually really speaks to me so-- Please, guys? Just this once! I just really want to get better at this and I’m all out of ideas.” Peter said pleadingly.

Mindy bites her lower lip, lowering her eyes, not wanting to let on that she’s about to scream with excitement. A chance to go on a first date without actually going on a first date? This is too good to be true. “I could be like Steve Martin in that movie that I’m too young to reference, the one with the lady from Splash”, she whispers to herself.

“What?” Danny asks. She clears her throat and looks up, making a doubtful face for Danny’s benefit as she looks from him to Peter. “I don’t know, I mean, it sounds like a decent idea, but you know how Danny is. Uuuugh, am I right?”

“I’m standing right here! And what exactly does that mean?”

“Babe, it’s nothing personal. You’re just not the type of guy who would enjoy something as, I don’t know, fun as this.”

Danny looks at Mindy, mouth open with a retort ready to be said, but instead exhales slowly as his mouth closes. He knows very well that she’s trying to “work him”, but he also knows this is the kind of weird, scheme-y thing that brings her inexplicable joy. So instead of the biting remark at the tip of his tongue, he says with a feigned indignance, “Sweetheart, you don’t know how much fun Daniel Castellano can be. I am a ton of fun. I am the fun master. I am--”

“--In? Because it sounds like you’re in”, Peter says hopefully.

Danny sighs, continuing his show of reluctance. “Yeah. Yes, ok. We’re in.”

Peter and Mindy both jump up and trap Danny in an uncomfortable embrace. Danny pushes them both away, making his way to the door before they can trap him between them again. “But you” he points at Peter “owe me a break from bathroom high fives. They’re unhygienic. And you,” he says to Mindy, “owe me a movie pick. I want to watch Necromancer, with no complaining and no shutting it off halfway through.”

“Yes, fine. I’ll see you tonight.” Mindy says, ushering Danny out with a kiss, and shutting the door behind him. “Joke’s on him!” she says to Peter as they return to her desk to discuss details for the date, “how can a movie called Neck Romancer NOT be something that I want to watch?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever errors you may see, please place the blame on my eyes still adjusting to viewing words on a screen instead of Chris Messina's gyrating body.
> 
> As always, your thoughts/feedback/suggestions for how to become a fully functioning employee again after last night's season premier are welcome.
> 
> Come by, say hi! FortLauderTales2720 on Tumblr / MexiCarli on Twitter

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoy it! Feedback/comments/cupcake recipes are welcome and savored.  
> And, yes, the rest of the chapters will be chock-full o' Dandy interaction.


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